A Potted History Of the Wars Of The Roses

(Carry On up The Yorkists)

Henry VI (Lancastrian King) surrounds himself with sycophants and regularly goes insane.

1455 Richard Duke of York, father of Edward (Earl of March), George (Duke of Clarence) and Richard (Duke of Gloucester), is fed up with not being allowed into Henry's tree house. York and his nephew in law, Richard Neville (Earl of Warwick) unite and endear themselves to Henry by killing his closest friend and relative, the Earl of Somerset (Battle of St Albans).

Henry still won't let York into his tree house.

1459 York invites allies to Ludlow to plan ultimate tree house storming session. Margaret of Anjou (The Queen) sends army to intercept but fails (Battle of Blore Heath). Warwick arrives at Ludlow with Margaret hot on his heels. Margaret causes York to flee to Ireland and Warwick and Edward (March) to Calais. (Battle of Ludford bridge).

1460 Henry pops off to do some sight seeing in Coventry only to find that Warwick has returned from France, nipped into London and shut the gates. Henry marches army south and meets Warwick's army coming North. Henry's army receive good bashing (battle of Northampton). Margaret flees to Wales with son Edward (Prince of Wales). Warwick puts Henry VI back on throne.

York returns from Ireland and says 'Hey look, I would have been king if Richard II hadn't been usurped and murdered by Henry IV. Just look at my family tree!'. Warwick tells him to stop mucking about. Parliament decide that he has got a point and make York the heir to the throne instead of Henry's son Edward (Prince of Wales).

York attempts forcible entry to tree house with grappling irons. Margaret raises army in the North and resolves the question of rival claims to the tree house by killing York. (Battle of Wakefield).

1461 Edward (March), irritated by father's death, raises Yorkist army in Wales and vents spleen on Lancastrian army. (Battle of Mortimer's Cross).

Margaret's army march down from North, trounce Warwick (battle of St Albans) and recapture Henry.

Edward (March) nipped into London while everyone was busy and shut the gates. Warwick joins Edward whom he now crowns as King since he managed to mislay the genuine article at St Albans. Edward reinforces kingliness by giving Lancastrian army megga serious drubbing (Battle of Towton).

Warwick (Kingmaker) now rubbing hands as he expects young Edward IV to be much reliant on older cousin (Warwick). Edward rules peacefully apart from some mopping up of Lancastrians (Hedgeley Moor 1464 and Hexham 1469).

Warwick wants a treaty with France and plans a marriage between Edward and the French throne. Edward thinks its a great idea but then suddenly remembers he'd secretly married some Lancastrian bint called Elizabeth Woodville.

Warwick not pleased.

Margaret abandons husband and goes for holiday in France. King Henry captured and chucked in Tower. Edward makes a treaty with Burgundy while Warwick was trying to draw up treaty with France.

Warwick rather irritated.

Edward refuses to allow Warwick to marry his daughters Isabelle and Ann to Edward's brothers George (Clarence) and Richard (Gloucester) and bars Warwick from tree house.

1469 Warwick, fuming over tree house fiasco, decides in a fit of pique to marry George (Clarence) to his daughter Isabelle and put George on the throne. Warwick raises army in South and North. Yorkist army march North and meet Warwick's Northern army coming South (Battle of Edgecote). Warwick's Southern army go North and join in. Edward doesn't know whether he's coming or going and surrenders.

Edward agrees to let Warwick into tree house. Warwick releases Edward.

1470 Warwick raises another army to put George on the throne. Edward declares them traitors and demands the return of the rope ladder. The armies meet at Empingham where Warwick's army throw off their armour and run (Losecoat Field). Warwick and George decide to go sight seeing in France.

Warwick makes pact with Margaret of Anjou (ex queen) and marries his youngest daughter, Ann Neville to her son Edward (Prince of Wales). The plot now is to reinstate Henry VI.

George not pleased.

Warwick returns to England and raises huge Lancastrian army to storm the tree house. Edward IV and Richard (Gloucester) caught napping and decide to go sight seeing in Burgundy. Henry VI escorted out of tower and put on throne.

Charles the Bold of Burgundy, fed up with Edward drinking his wine, agrees to supply him with an army. Edward returns to England. George runs back and begs forgiveness. George pardoned but given only limited access to tree house.

1471 Edward's army defeats Warwick's and Warwick is killed (Barnet). Henry VI dragged off throne and shoved in Tower. Edward (Prince of Wales) returns to England and is killed (Tewkesbury). Richard (Gloucester) marries Ann Neville.

Henry VI dies mysteriously in tower.

1475 Edward raises taxes to invade France, takes army over and then comes straight home after French king gives him a good meal and some money.

Richard somewhat peeved.

1478 George continues to be a nuisance. Edward becomes impatient and has George put to death in fit of pique.

Richard rather irritated, stops going to royal court.

1483 Edward dies of overeating, names Richard as regent during his son, Edward V's minority. Elizabeth Woodville rushes to get son on throne before Richard finds out that Edward is dead.

Richard finds out and intercepts.

Richard declares that Edward IV was illegitimate as his mother had played around with a French bowman. Therefore his children are illegitimate.

Richard's mother invites Richard over to her house for a 'chat'.

Richard declares that Edward was perfectly legitimate but that his children are illegitimate because Edward had secretly married Eleanor Butler before secretly marrying Elizabeth Woodville.

All Edward IVs children declared illegitimate. Edward V and brother Richard chucked in tower

1483 Richard declared king. Princes vanish mysteriously. Ann Neville becomes terminally ill. Richard appears to be spending rather a lot of time in the tree house with his niece, Elizabeth of York (now heir to the throne if she were legitimate). Richard denies interest in marrying niece.

1485 Ann Neville dies.

Some bloke called Henry Tudor suddenly pops up and declares himself heir to the throne.

Richard says 'Bugger off home you Welsh git!'.

Henry and Richard meet in battle at Bosworth. Richard is betrayed by Duke of Northumberland who brings troops but doesn't deploy them. Lord Stanley brings his army but waits to see who's winning before he joins in. Richard decides to take on Henry personally and takes out his standard bearer but is then cut down by Stanley who's finally decided which is the winning side.

Henry VII is crowned King, marries Elizabeth of York and invents a red rose for Lancaster so he can combine it with the REAL white rose of York to create the Tudor rose, causing the name the 'Wars of the Roses' to be penned after the event.

Final score York 10, Lancaster 3, Warwick 1, Henry Tudor 1.

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