Friday 14:50

The car containing Doctor When, Sarah and I (Nursewhen) had already passed the Britannia Hotel 4 times in different directions. Smoke is issuing from the Satnav which is wailing "I don't know! I don't know! I'm sorry, I have failed you!" Sarah and I strip down the car interior and throw out all non essential items until we finally reach escape velocity, slingshot round the Coventry Sports Centre and perform a handbrake turn into the Cox Street car park.

Doctor When leaps from the car. "I've got to go to a 'how to run a panel, panel', can you and Sarah unload the car please? Cheers-thanks-bye." Sarah and I give each other a look as Doctor When flees across the car park. Doctor When NEVER helps to unload the car.

Struggling under mountains of luggage, Sarah and I enter the hotel and check in. Steve Rogerson suddenly appears and announces that I am Purple Drazi Leader and hands me my sash of office. Several light bulbs shatter as my girly squeals of delight fill the hotel. All 3 lifts try to descend to the basement.

Sarah and I make our second return journey from the car.

Purple leader :"I'm the Queen! I'm the Queen! I'm going to be unbearable!"
Sarah: "You already are unbearable"
Purple leader: "I'm the Queen, I'm the Queen! Why am I carrying stuff? You should carry all the stuff 'cos I'm the Queen and you're Green! By the end of the weekend, you're going to hate me!"
Sarah: "I already hate you."

* 5 minutes later *

"......I'm the Queen, I'm the Queen........"

* 10 Minutes Later, muffled and echoey, issuing from a toilet cubicle *

"......I'm the Queen, I'm the Queen......" *Flushes*

Friday 16:05

Lovely room! It has a sofa and a balcony with a view of the cathedral.

* Practices waving from balcony *

Sarah and I partake of the fuel of Empire (tea) in my room. Door bursts open and Doctor When strides in looking very pleased with himself. I regard the Green sash with horror and the world falls out of my bottom.

Green leader: "I'm the King! I'm the King!..."

* I paint line down middle of room *

Green leader: "I think this room should be neutral."

Purple leader: "OK"

* Stops sawing bed in half *

Friday 15:35

Sarah changes in Talia Winter, I change into Lyta Alexander (psi corps, Babylon 5) costume and I adjust my sash. We have a well cooked dinner, then Sarah and I rush off to Torchwood Bingo.
I fail to get a line because what I thought was nudity turned out to be a flesh coloured T shirt.
Getting desperate, to get a line I need Owen to shag Gwen, Captain Jack to join in and Ianto to make them coffee in the nude. There's no shagging and no nudity! What kind of Torchwood episode is this? There's not even any coffee! Leave with consolation prize of 1 chocolate.

Friday 19:30

I repair to bar for fuel of the Proletariat (beer). I start to plan my campaign. At first I think I could throttle all Green Drazis. I begin with a solitary Klingon who has strayed from the herd. Another Green Drazi approaches and says "I wish I were Purple." *Purple light bulb appears over Purple Leader's head* *Purple Leader nips off to find some Purple paper and sticky tape. *

Friday 19:40

Purple leader has performed her first conversion operation. Josh becomes her first ex-Green lieutenant and wears the strip of Purple applied to his badge with pride.

Friday 20:00

Opening ceremony - Green leader stands at the front in his desperate need for fame and glory. Purple leader sits among her people and performs more conversions as soul by soul and silently her shining bounds increase!

Purple and Green leaders are called onto stage. Purple explains the painless conversion process. Green leader says he'll buy anybody who gives him Drazi points a beer. This is particularly perfidious as he knows that the bar tab has been opened on Purple leader's credit card!

* Note to future Purple leaders - Remember, not all con-goers get to the opening ceremony and not all know what a Drazi war is. Be sure to educate your people at all times as to what is going an and to whom ALL the Drazi points should be given.

* Note to future Perfidious Green leaders - Wear a bag over your head and don't wear the sash in public.

The rulers of the Universe are introduced and Brigade leader Lethbridge-Stewart stands out as particularly ruthless, evil, corrupt and violent. Purple leader approves, the Brigade leader will certainly be getting my vote. Especially as he engaged the perfidious Green Drazi leader in vigorous political debate. After the opening ceremony I attend the 'Ceilidh with the handsome young caller' and dance vigorously with just about everybody there. Eventually the perfidious Green leader arrives and capers around like a monkey. Drazi points drop from his pocket. My generous offer to take responsibility for these results in my being thrown to the ground by a tidal wave of misguided Green Drazis. I curl up into a ball as more and more throw themselves upon me and rip the Drazi points from my hands. I eventually crawl out from under mountain of bodies. Handsome young caller awards me 2 Drazi points for the indignities inflicted upon my person. Hoorays.

Saturday 03:00

Retire to bed. Too excited can't sleep. Wear sash in bed.

Saturday 04:00

Just dropping off to sleep when perfidious Green Drazi leader bursts in drunk and singing the Hedgehog song. Falls into bed and immediately starts snoring.

Saturday 09:00

	Stagger down to breakfast groaning "Brains..." and "Tea...". Find there has been a rush on the fuel of empire. Start wilting. Staff running around like mad. Tea is brought, Purple leader is saved. Sarah and I are dressed as Zee and Bar, the bounty hunters from Blake's 7 Powerplay episode. We sally forth to harvest the organs of the con members so they can make an invaluable contribution to our society.
Perfidious, drunken, snoring Green leader is dressed in a Brigadier's uniform. Anybody remember Benny Hill? I go to chaos costuming to create my Liberator. Ann Wells assists with problem of headdress flopping forward over face. We experiment with counterweights then come up with the elegant solution of running a string down the back and pinning it to my bra strap. See! You thought we threw that costume together! We used SCIENCE! Our construction is interrupted as a distressed Londo turns up and demands that Vir help him find his hair.

Receive Drazi points and puzzle pieces from my wonderful people. Return to room to pick up all the other Drazi points. Hiding place should contain 30 Drazi points. Hiding place contains only 1 Drazi point.

Perfidious, drunken, snoring Green Leader is a thief and an oath breaker!

Seriously consider emptying Perfidious, drunken, snoring, thieving, oath breaking Green Leader's suitcase over the balcony.

* Note to future Purple leaders - Upon receiving Drazi points, write 'PURPLE' in very large letters over them, front and back.

* Note to future Green leaders - Upon receiving Drazi points, write 'PURPLE' in very large letters over them, front and back.

Decide it's time the opera gloves came off. Gather remaining Drazi points and head for reception to enquire after photocopying facilities.

Fall into left hand lift as it is 1 inch below floor level. Press G. Doors close.
Doors open on 2. Perfidious, drunken, snoring, thieving, oath breaking Green Leader is on landing. Hurriedly press Door Close . Press G.
Doors open on 7. Press G. Doors close.
Doors open on 2. Perfidious, drunken, snoring, thieving, oath breaking Green Leader falls about laughing. Press G. Doors Close.
Doors open on G. Exit from right hand lift. Lift sighs appreciatively.

5 minutes later, arrive at ops feeling lopsided. Extract wad of Drazi points from bra and hand to Steve Rogerson. Steve Rogerson complains that Purple Drazi points are always warm and clammy.

Find quiet spot to piece together Drazi puzzle. Looks like an intimate moment between Blake and Avon. Join Zee (Sarah) and attempt to harvest organs for the benefit of our society. Have very little luck. Having seen the state of the livers in the Jubilee bar we try our luck in the dealer rooms. Livers are particularly pickled there. I pass real ale drinkers test with flying colours and am declared a True Ale Warrioress and have my copy of 'The Quest for the Holy Ale' signed by the authors. Huzzah!

Saturday 15:00

Attend Writing Workshop with Paul Cornell.

*Note to future Purple leaders - Writing workshops with guest speakers are taken VERY VERY seriously. DO NOT attempt to harvest the guest speaker's organs before he's got started. (Harvest them afterwards).

Saturday 19:00

Attend Steam Punk panel co-hosted by perfidious, drunken, snoring, thieving, oath breaking Green Leader. Am very good and don't heckle once! Have to exit half way through to join masqueraders. Enter Jubilee bar which is filled with splendid costumes. Look down at my bin bag containing 3 cones and a balloon. My costume's sh*t! Decide to grasp the nettle and strap on my balloon and affix my cones. Having difficulty with headdress and poke several people in the eye with it. Wobbling hat cone is shaving off my eyebrows. Worry that balloon is making my bum look big. Construction judge comes over and goes "Hmmmmm".

Finally Chris announces me as 'The Liberator' and I scuttle on stage to the B7 theme tune. Audience erupts with laughter and I know that my audacity in putting together such an outrageously crappy costume is justified.

First prize for the masquerade is won by the lovely Torchwood Victorian Lady, second by the Dulcimer Player and third by Me! The Liberator! And then I get first for Chaos costume! Huzzah!!! (I'm the Queen, I'm the Queen!....)

Here are links to some of the acts in the cabaret.

Purple Leader Sings 'Those were the days' (Click on 'play hi-fi')
The council of Rivendell
Lover's Reef
The Tribble Song

Return to green room to wait for my slot on cabaret. Will sing song I wrote myself because Purple leaders are talented unlike Perfidious, drunken, snoring, thieving, oath breaking, talentless Green Leaders. The song is 'Those Were The Days', originally a hit for Mary Hopkin.

Here are the lyrics and CLICK HERE to hear Purpel Leader singing it.

Everybody agrees that the cabaret was superb. Unfortunately, as usual, I missed most of it!

Hurry upstairs to change for anime and manga disco.

I go as little Japanese schoolgirl. Perfidious, drunken, snoring, thieving, oath breaking, talentless Green Leader goes as Noh Face from Spirited Away.

Sarah, perfidious, drunken, snoring, thieving, oath breaking, talentless Green Leader and I go down to the disco. Purple Leader feels particularly good in little schoolgirl costume. Struts her stuff into the Jubilee bar. People gasp and rush for their cameras and take lots of photos of .... perfidious, drunken, snoring, thieving, oath breaking, talentless Green Leader. Purple leader visibly deflates with loud rasping noise.

We dance the night away, perfidious, drunken, snoring, thieving, oath breaking, talentless Green Leader plays air guitar and completely destroys Purple Leader's opera gloves.

Purple Leader repairs to bar where a couple of worthy purple panelists sidle up and say
"Pssst! Want these blank Drazi point forms which we didn't give out?"
Purple Leader whoops and fetches a pen.

Purple Leader returns to the disco feeling rather lopsided and busty. Sarah declares that her handbag is a neutral offshoot of the bank of Switzerland and receives my deposit of warm, clammy Drazi points.

We dance ourselves into the ground, then retire to bed.

Sunday 08:30

Struggle out of bed and discover my knees appear to be missing. Can't bend legs! Feet now seem to be impossible distance away from rest of me. Arms aren't long enough to put on shoes! Help Help!

Dither over today's outfit. Have brought green gown with me. Didn't realise I would be purple leader! Gown will be controversial! Gown is pretty. Wears gown.

Sarah wears lovely Middle earth dress from New Zealand.

Struggle down to breakfast. Feel like Dalek, can't go up steps. People comment on the colour of my gown. I point out that the green in UNDER the purple sash.
"But there's more green" they say.
"That's because only a small amount of Purple is required to dominate the Green."
"But if you took the Purple away, it wouldn't matter. If you took away the Green, where would you be?"
"I would be more popular!"

Ha! Bite me Green boy!

Make a public request at breakfast that anybody finding me knees please return them to ops.
Perfidious, drunken, snoring, thieving, oath breaking, talentless Green Leader admits he's put them on ebay.

Return to room where perfidious, drunken, snoring, thieving, oath breaking, talentless Green Leader is in a panic because he can't find his hair gel. Actually wants ME to fix his Centauri crest for him! I demure as I can't bend my legs since my knees are on ebay. Sarah helps him with his crest. I retrieve my wad of Drazi points and stagger to ops. See, she may be Green, but Sarah is still trustworthy!

Photos by kind permission of Claire Lonsdale (tictactoegryphlet) and (middle) Richard Putley.

Bump into trained masseur in ops who kindly reinstates my knees. Purple leader is saved!

Sunday morning goes in a confusion of Drazi points, football results and an endless search for Steve Rogerson.
Chris O'shea radios Steve for me. Finds he is in his room. Proposes that he delivers Purple leader to the room suitable oiled.
Purple leader limps rapidly away.

Am so tired... feet ache....knees ache.....waggling fascinator keeps making me jump.... need to sit down...try to eat sandwich...eyes heavy.....zzzzzzz.

Sunday 13:30

Waken to find cheese sandwich stuck to cheek. Realise I'm missing the hustings for Ruler of The Universe! Hurry to 3 Spires. Room is in uproar. Obama is looking a bit flat. Brigade leader is bribing the returning officer with wine! Surely people shouldn't be fighting at the ballot box? I acquire a large number of ballot papers, but then a blur passes me and my hands are suddenly empty. Can't find a ballot paper. Can find loads of bribes, just can't find a ballot paper!

A ballot paper, a ballot paper, my Purpleness for a ballot paper!

Purple leader decides to abstain.

	Afternoon continues with more Drazi points arriving and more desperate searches for Steve Rogerson. I receive my favourite Drazi points of the weekend.
Purple puzzle still isn't complete. Sarah informs me that the hotel staff admitted to throwing some of the envelopes away. Curses!
	At last, it's time for the closing ceremony and the nail biting moment of truth. Have we done it? Purple and perfidious, drunken, snoring, thieving, oath breaking, talentless Green Leader are called up onto the stage. It was a close run competition, but no, I can't believe it! We lost! We lost to perfidious, drunken, snoring, thieving, oath breaking, talentless Green Leader! Oh the shame of it! There must have been some seriously gratuitous, undignified and frankly common cheating going on to have outcheated the Purple campaign! I wouldn't stoop so low. Green leader makes some childish comment about winning. Ha! I won more prizes than him so ner ner ne ner ner....

photo by kind permission of hobbes330 (Paul Tuck)

Next we have the results of the Ruler of the Universe.

Another excellent dinner followed by a sleepy game of witch trials.

*Note to self: Don't play Witch Trials with Richard Proctor, he always wins!

Finally admit I can't string two words together from tiredness and go to bed.

Monday 09:00

Perfidious, drunken, snoring, thieving, oath breaking, talentless Green Leader and I agree to bury the hatchet and as a gesture of reconciliation, we wear each other's sash to breakfast. This causes much confusion to those with hangovers.

Sarah and I load up the car since perfidious, drunken, snoring, thieving, oath breaking, talentless Green Leader still hasn't packed! I tearfully hand in our sashes. I'm not the Queen anymore.

Suddenly spot Rob Shearman in the crush of people checking out. At last, a chance to collar one of our guests of honour. Despite being on his way out, he takes the time to stop and have a jolly good chat about Doctor Who and Torchwood and Sarah Jane and he sets my mind at rest over my 'the new doctor is too young' worries. What a pleasant chap!

Final hugs all round, then we step blinking into the sunlight as just plain Simon, Sarah and Helen.

P.S

Just want to thank Sarah again for her endless patience as she put up with our squabbling, our constantly running to her with wails of "I broke my wig! I lost my pants! Purple Leader's looking out of my window!" and repeatedly picking up and returning our lost cameras, programs, pens, hats, gloves, guns...

Hooray for Sarah!

And lastly, if anybody has ever wondered what happens when a Centauri takes down his crest, you need wonder no longer.

oooooOOOooooo

Return to the other Redemption '09 reports

Come to Redemption '11

Please come and visit me at www.planethelen.co.uk
Or my belly dance chums and I at www.ishtardance.co.uk
Or Simon at www.planetsimon.co.uk

That was the best Redemption ever... again...
Three cheers for Judith, the guests and all who contributed. Hurrah!